Humorous Quotes and Sayings

Humorous Quotes and Sayings

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. ~Fred Allen

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. ~H.L. Mencken

A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted. ~Author Unknown

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. ~Attributed to Arthur McBride Bloch

A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't. ~Author Unknown

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. ~John Kenneth Galbraith, Money: Whence It Came, Where It Went

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. ~Charles Schulz

All generalizations are bad. ~R.H. Grenier

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. ~Jane Wagner, The Search For Intelligent Life In The Universe, performed by Lily Tomlin

The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away. ~Tom Waits, Small Change

Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. ~Attributed to both Jason Hutchison and John Benfield

After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. ~P.J. O'Rourke

How come there's only one Monopolies Commission? ~Nigel Rees

If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey." ~Robert Brault, rbrault.blogspot.com

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. ~Elayne Boosler

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. ~George Ade

An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault. ~William Castle

If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me. ~Song title by Jimmy Buffet

Man was predestined to have free will. ~Hal Lee Luyah

Maybe this world is another planet's hell. ~Aldous Huxley

Murphy was an optimist. ~O'Toole's Commentary

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. ~Nicholas Chamfort

The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good. ~Robert Graves

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't. ~Douglas Adams

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. ~Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

Today is the last day of some of your life. ~Author Unknown

Without geography, you're nowhere. ~Author Unknown

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. ~Author Unknown

You can't have everything... where would you put it? ~Steven Wright

 

   

 

He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed. ~Harry Kalas, on Garry Maddox, 1981

He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs. ~Torvald Gahlin

I plan on living forever. So far, so good. ~Author Unknown

Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter. ~Author Unknown

Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad. ~P.D. East

As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed. Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around. ~Robert Brault, rbrault.blogspot.com

I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants. ~Dave Beard

There's no such thing as fun for the whole family. ~Jerry Seinfeld

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind — a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house. ~Woody Allen

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes. ~Douglas Adams

And on the eighth day God said, "Okay, Murphy, you're in charge!" ~Author Unknown

May those who love us love us,

and those who do not love us,

may God turn their hearts,

and if He cannot turn their hearts

may He turn their ankles

that we may know them by their limping.

~Irish Prayer

When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football. ~Author Unknown

The chicken came first — God would look silly sitting on an egg. ~Author Unknown

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ~Author Unknown

A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now. ~Author Unknown

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. ~Rita Mae Brown

As I may or may not say to the Lord on Judgment Day, "You ask a lot of questions for someone who has so much explaining to do." ~Robert Brault, rbrault.blogspot.com

A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him. ~Sir Winston Churchill

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. ~Author Unknown

Dance until your feet hurt. Sing until your lungs hurt. Act until you're William Hurt. ~"Phil's-osophy" by Phil Dunphy (Christopher Lloyd, Steven Levitan, and Dan O'Shannon, Modern Family, "Schooled," original airdate 2012 Oct 10)

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. ~Jack Handey

It's not that I'm a Type‑B personality. It's that I'm driven by a passionate, all-consuming desire to take it easy. ~Robert Brault, rbrault.blogspot.com

How do the angels get to sleep when the devil leaves the porch light on? ~Tom Waits, "Mr Siegal," Heartattack and Vine

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. ~Carl Zwanzig

A signature always reveals a man's character — and sometimes even his name. ~Evan Esar

There are truths of which I have an inkling, but of most I have only a penciling. ~Robert Brault, rbrault.blogspot.com

Home is heaven and orgies are vile,

But I like an orgy, once in a while.

~Ogden Nash, Home, 99 44/100% Sweet Home

Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown. ~Woody Allen, Getting Even, 1971

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. ~Jack Benny

All my life I've wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought. ~Robert Brault, rbrault.blogspot.com

I thought about being born again, but my mother refused.

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. ~Fred Allen

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon. Need I say more? ~Chris Rock

Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker. ~From the movie Naked

Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. ~Colin Sautar

Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years. ~Author Unknown

You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret. He is French, people. ~Conan O'Brien, 2003

A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge. ~Robert Brault, rbrault.blogspot.com

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. ~Author Unknown

She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. ~Mae West

If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. ~Elbert Hubbard

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? ~Author Unknown

She was what we used to call a suicide blond — dyed by her own hand. ~Saul Bellow

It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term. ~Mark Twain

There are secrets I will take to the grave — and others I'd feel safer having cremated. ~Robert Brault, rbrault.blogspot.com

Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don't know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen. ~Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer. ~Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless